attention

Sometimes I find that despite my protestations to the contrary that I do crave and adore attention.  I obviously couldn't have been a performer for as long as I was without that craving. It gets a little spotty in the realm of personal relations.

How much attention can someone demand of others before it sucks the other people dry?  How much is to the point of being childish . . . or demanding?  Well this is the ultimate question, now isn't it?

Me. I have a love hate relationship with attention given that I have received accolades and I have been the butt of life's jokes otherwise known as the being object of ridicule for large groups of people. 

This of course makes me a pain in the ass....  For the most part, I like to be left alone to go along my daily business.  In some ways, the whole Southern "hey how ya doin'?" thing never went over well with me.  But now, I don't trust good attention anymore at all..  So I make the person who gives the good attention give even more to prove to me that he or she really means the said good attention as opposed to yanking my chain, kissing my ass, or a whole host of other bad attention disguised as good attention.

It goes like this.

"You're pretty"
"No I'm not."
"No really."
"eh ass kisser"
"no really."
"pfft"
"bitch"

So I really don't accept compliments very well and I have a hard time accepting the general good will as what it is.  

Of course, it can also become this MORE MORE MORE NO YOU"RE SMOTHERING ME dynamic. 

Hi I'm fun.  No I'm really a pain in the ass.  I can see it.  I know it.  I have driven people away with this bullshit. 

Now of course, there are other people who through charm and other means are able to obtain a large amount of attention from people.  I am in awe of them.  I'm not quite sure how they do it.  It's completely foreign to me.  Granted, I'm not even sure I would like to walk in a room and have everybody look at me. I'd think I had a stain on my shirt  or something but I am completely in awe of those people.  They don't really look or act any different than you or me.  (Or maybe just me)  There's no real finite difference between these people as a class:  grated some are beautiful, some have personalities larger than life, and others... not so much. 

My first boyfriend was like that.  Of course, the ability to grab this attention also created this expectation to have it at all times.  He tried being friends with me for a second or so after his first divorce a couple of years ago. I finally had to stop it for the simple exchange.

"I'm going to bed."
"What? are you kidding me? you're a night owl."
"We've been on the phone for two hours."
"Just a little longer"
"okay"

I ended up staying on the phone a good two hours more.  I couldn't do it. I finally had to have that "I don't think so" talk.  I felt taken advantage like somehow I was less important in his sphere than himself --- that somehow I was nothing more than a pawn in his own game of life and my purpose was to sit around clapping and cheering for him.    And well that's not being a friend, that's being a fan.  I'm not really interested in being someone's groupie.

So where is that line?  I have no idea. It's something I'm working on. If you have any insight, let me know.